bad
worse
worst
worchester
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Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line