“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
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Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
my favorite genre of twitter
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”