Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
You Might Also Like
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
what it’s like dating me:
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.