Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
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If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.