(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
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If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever