I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
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One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone