There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
You Might Also Like
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Erm…
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above