I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
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YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.