Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
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Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
real
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Yup!
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
When you’re here for the treats.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’