If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
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“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Yes
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
i choose….tongue
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*