Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
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5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Strange
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security