75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
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What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no