Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
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The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
They’re stuck in your pants?
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh