ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
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It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
It’s a gift
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes