*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
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We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?