According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
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not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
I have questions??
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
new wife guy just dropped
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯