I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
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Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
So many pants.
So little yoga.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator