Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
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Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s