Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
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the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO