Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
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*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.