due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
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me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Worst bar ever.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.