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Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
I think they could have phrased this better
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.