Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
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Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.