I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
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Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?