Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
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just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”