Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
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ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.