Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
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5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*