Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
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stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Brilliant!
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.