Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
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Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Knock Knock
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space