I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
You Might Also Like
I miss this era type of pranks😭
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”