I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
You Might Also Like
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor