People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
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Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help