Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
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I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.