Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
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wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Whoa 😂
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.