Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
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Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
How it started How it’s going
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.