Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
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I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*