Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
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I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.