“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
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Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
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Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.