True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
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Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.