Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
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1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.