A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
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if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
I’m crying im so happy for them
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.