My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
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We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
channeling her this year
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.