What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
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Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
They also CAN sing✌️
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Oh no
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
The best plant holders?