Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
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“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Please do it!
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
mom had nothing to worry about
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Candles never taste the way they smell
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”