How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
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I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
A leaf blower, but for people.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Smile they said.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.