Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
You Might Also Like
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Rather alarming headline…
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
this is literally a CIA plant
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.