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a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
☺️
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.