Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
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Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.