BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
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[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
The internet is full of many things
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Goat cheese is for herders.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right