If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
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the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes